Our Public Domain - Our worlds from the inside out!

QII puts a very public face, no, public body out into the world. This is our public domain. Whereas QI is our internal life, what others need to ask us about if they want to know, QII represents all of our behaviors, those that everyone can see. It can be as simple as what I eat, how I exercise, how I hold myself, whether I smoke, drink, etc. or, it can be way more complicated.

This is an important piece of territory in that our behaviors can be healthy or not, be destructive or not, affect others, or not, and, changes in our behaviors can have significant impacts on our lives and those around us. Whether we smoke or drink, eat healthy or eat fast food and junk food, get lots of rest or burn the candle at both ends, we will feel the effects of our choices.

This Quad also gives some clue as to what is going on inside of us. Our bodies can give voice to our consciousness. We may walk around with slumped shoulders and tight necks signaling sadness, depression, or, tension within. We may stand up tall, smile, and put our boundless energy to work making changes in the world. However, as much as we would like to think that we can know what is going on in someone else based on their behavior, there is often a disconnect between what people show us and what they actually feel. People will smile while harboring tremendous anger inside or feeling great sadness. Others may appear sad and listless while actually feeling a sense of joy or contentment. Our bodies formed habits when we were young that continue as we move into adulthood. We may change our behaviors or our words and feelings but our bodies may still be telling an old story.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that each of us interprets the world based upon our personal experiences, assumptions, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. What we learned from our families and culture (QIII) and internalized within our belief systems and how we see the world (QI) will impact how we interpret what we see in others behaviors (QII). As an example, if a young person has been in treatment for alcohol and substance abuse and after coming home at times appears sad or depressed, the parent may make an assumption that the youngster is using drugs again or is at risk for using drugs. How a parent approaches the young person can have an impact on the youngsters behavior. If not approached skillfully a parent may give their child the message that they don’t trust them or having repeatedly asked them if they’re ok make them feel upset at all the attention. All too often our interpretation of what we see leads to problems in our interactions with those in our lives.

We make assumptions and take action without checking out whether or not we’re right. How often have you misinterpreted someone’s behavior and, without checking out your assumptions, ended up in an argument. How often do you interpret what someone else’s behavior means only to find that you were wrong. Our inner worlds often misinterpret someone else's outer world and then we respond with behaviors learned from our personal culture and taken as truth only to find that there are other ways of viewing the world that we never thought of.

When you make an assumption about someone’s behavior take the time to check out what inside of you led to your assumption. Having recognized that your perception may indeed by just an assumption, learn to skillfully check out if you’re right or wrong before making judgments or accusations. Communication can be difficult and messy at times but it is the only path to understanding the reality of where our reality ends and that of another begins.

Q-ing up Quadrant III Culture & Communication

Q-ing up this quad we find the world of relationships and culture. We are raised in our own particular culture and begin to take on the customs and beliefs of it, not only as our own, but also as the “right” ones. Being embedded in our little niche in the world we come to believe that we are it and unless we have the opportunity to get some distance from it, some perspective if you will, we will have a hard time seeing that what we believe to be right is simply one way of “seeing” things. This is why it’s so important for us to learn how to gain some distance from our beliefs and be able to work within our system rather than being had by it.

We grow up in our part of the world, in our little community, in our particular family, using the language that defines our niche. The more constricted that language, the more strident it is in regards to how we should be and behave, and the more negative it is in relation to how we each conform to the culture we’re being taught, the harder it is for us to gain the birds eye perspective I mentioned and the more locked into our way of being we are.

In Recovery, and in other parts of our lives, we become defined by this enculturation and internalize beliefs about what the perfect family looks like, the perfect parent, and the perfect spouse. As we try to live up to these images of perfection, the world may be falling apart around us but we continue to try and control things and make them right. Doing so, we develop our own self-image around efficacy and success. Many of these beliefs show up in Q1 in our self-concept. For families to regain some form of hope, or dare to dream of a healthy loving family, it’s essential to be able to unfurl these beliefs and learn new ways of being with one another that are based on the uniqueness of each family member and the collective meaning that each family creates.

Holding onto the same beliefs and behaviors when a young person returns from treatment is a recipe for replicating what led to treatment in the first place. Think about what beliefs your family holds for what is considered right behavior. How do family members communicate with one another? What image of the family must be held at all costs that inhibits the family’s ability to reach out and ask for help before it’s too late? How has your family background, social norms, and status in the community led to, and continue to influence, the challenges you face in your family? Have they led to isolation, shame, and guilt? Or, are you able to reach out for help and support from other family members and/or supports in the community?

Communication is a key component of healing in families beset by problems with young people. Often parents and families need to learn a new language. The new language is one of mutuality, respect and understanding. What expectations are communicated and how? How does your own inner world influence the way that you communicate with one another? Are your words and behavior congruent? How do you deal with conflict? What methods have you learned for dealing with your own emotions that influence how you communicate with those you love? Can you be transparent with one another, showing your own humanness, while communicating your thoughts, feelings and expectations with those loved ones?

These are all questions to be addressed when dealing with addiction and families in the healing process. Quadrant II reflects our lives with others, how we share our interpretations of reality and/or how we can come to better understand one another in a way that leads to acceptance, support, and trust.

Connected

Happy to be able to use my Facebook account to post to my Spiral to Health Blog. This is a test post. Look forward to more.

Quadrant IV - The World We Live In

I had planned on going through the Quadrants in order but yesterday I was impacted by Quadrant IV and thought it a good time to write about it. Quadrant IV is our environment both natural and man made. It is the beauty of nature, the difference between living in a crowded city and a rural community, the comfort and/or beauty of our immediate environment, our use of technology, and the state of our living space. All affect us emotionally, physically, and socially.

So, what happened that led me to write about Q4 out of order? Well, the hard drive crashed on my main computer. I'm writing now with a spare. The immediate impact of losing use of my computer was devastating. I was obsessed with questions like; what was on the hard drive?, what was there that can't be replaced?, how will I write this blog without the notes that I made?, what about all of my contacts?, etc. Computers were supposed to be our saviors and yet for many of us we have instead become their slaves. Computers were supposed to make our lives easier and yet research shows that people are working more than ever. To the degree that we are tethered to dial up or broadband we are addicted to this electronic wizardry that has changed our lives and how we do business in the world.

Many young people are addicted to the internet. They cannot drag themselves away from it and they use it, like drugs, to distract them from their pain and their lives. Some are addicted to porn or online games. Others drawn to the social networking world that has changed how we communicate with one another. I was scared of what the impact of Sony Walkmen was going to be when they first came out. All I could think of was that people were walking around in a self contained mode reducing the amount of time that they made contact with others. Ipods, PDA's, cell phones, and high speed internet has exponentially increased the degree with which we are able to communicate and stay connected to our work or vices throughout the day. It's not that these conveniences have not had a positive impact on our lives but rather the fact that they may at the same time be impacting our lives in ways that are not healthy.

Young people are growing up with this technology almost implanted in their neural pathways. They text one another, surf the internet, and communicate instantly around the world. It's important that we consider what balance looks like. How do we find a way to use these conveniences wisely while maintaining a balanced connection with other parts of our lives and with other human beings.

Quadrant IV is also the natural environment. Depending on where we live we have more access to the natural beauty of our world and the universe. Most of us are aware of how much more peaceful we feel when we take the time to walk on the shore or in the woods. This is diametrically opposed to when we are in our offices (if yours is like mine) and are faced with the piles of work to be done, things to be filed, bills to be paid. The impact on my nervous system is palpable. The cumulative impact can lead to stress and addiction. In a world where young people have DVD's for baby sitters and rarel have a sit down dinner with the family it's important for us to stop and reflect on how balanced this part of our lives are.

Take a look at your own Q4. How balances is yours? What adjustments could you make. Reflect on the impact your environment is having on your life and relationships. How has your life been shaped by the your relationship with your Q4?

What Goes on Inside

Quadrant I reflects our inner world that which others cannot see. In order to find out about what’s going on here we need to ask someone. It includes the world of feelings, thoughts, attitudes, world-view, thinking, concerns, and beliefs. A lot of territory is covered here much of which includes what James Flaherty calls our structure of interpretation or SOI. Our SOI represents our basic sense of or beliefs about the world. Is the world safe, can I trust other people, am I worthy of love and support etc. So in essence it’s about our personal self-awareness, self-management, and vision for our future.

To the degree that we are self aware and skillful in these areas we will also feel competent in the world, confident in our abilities, able to recognize and manage our emotions, will feel comfortable in our own skin, and have a vision for our future that we are confident that we can reach.

Those who are not skillful in Quadrant I may not be in touch with their feelings nor have the skills to manage them in such a way that they can achieve their goals and have satisfying and supportive relationships. Not having the skill to deal with uncomfortable feelings such as anger and sadness those with addiction problems may turn to substances to numb themselves and gain some control over their feelings.

Many have an inner critic that will not allow them a moments peace and berating and second-guessing their every action and decision. This constant negative chatter can lead to depression, a lack of efficacy, and a sense of hopelessness in the world about one’s ability to be a productive and happy part of society. Again, seeking relief from this unrelenting negative voice people may turn to alcohol or substances for relief.

I’ve worked with a number of families in which the parents are struggling in Quadrant I leading to relationship issues with their spouse and/or issues with their adolescent children. Many of these young people have little self esteem, may be doing poorly in school, have no clear vision for, or are conflicted about, their futures, are struggling in their communication with their parents and have little inner support or skills to deal with the difficult feelings that they are experiencing. This leads many to choose substances for relief and a sub-culture in which they feel confident, understood, and supported.

For coaches, inquiry into Quadrant I includes questions about what individuals are experiencing, their patterns of feelings and thoughts, what they want in the world and do they think I can get it, and how they deal with difficult feelings and circumstances that arise in their lives. In integral work a coach might develop self-observations and practices that help the individual become more aware of and competent in these areas and may draw from models such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Emotional Intelligence, or mindfulness practice to support skill development and confidence in dealing with their inner world.

Recovery by Numbers

So, young people do drugs for a number of reasons. Some are related to their own inner challenges, some are related to the messages they get from the culture we live in, others are related to the messages that they get from significant others in their lives, and last but not least, the environment that they live in can be a contributing factor. It can often be complicated unraveling the interaction of influences that send a young person down the path of abusing substances but the four quadrant model used in integral coaching models can help provide both understanding and directions for supporting the youngster’s path to sobriety. This is particularly helpful for parents and coaches.

The four quadrants provide lenses through which we can understand these influences. Each quadrant represents a different aspect of an individuals life and when looked at in total provides a holographic picture of that persons life. The model I’m using here is borrowed from James Flaherty’s work.

Quadrant I represents our inner life. That is what cannot be seen when looking at someone. This includes our beliefs, dreams, visions, feelings, attitudes and beliefs. These are all things that we can infer from behavior but can only be known by asking the individual. Some of us are tortured by a severe inner critic while others view the world as a bountiful place that brings peace and joy.

Quadrant II reflects our public life as observed through our behavior. Do we exercise? What is our diet like? Do we drink too much coffee, smoke cigarettes, sleep enough? Do we understand wellness. Are drugs a part of how we deal with with inner life?

Quadrant III looks at our social life and our culture. Who do we interact with? Where do we get support? What relationships are good or bad for us? This is our life with others and within the culture in which we live. Flaherty describes this as the world of shared interpretation within communities or relationships. Here we come to develop a view of the role of the addict and addiction in our society.

Quadrant IV takes a look at the environment in which we live. Do we have a comfortable peaceful home? Do we spend hours upon hours on the internet? Does our schedule provide for down time and time to enjoy the beauty and peace that nature provides? Do I have to travel a lot? Is their a balance between external tasks and demands and nurturing?

The more balanced we are across all of the quadrants the healthier we can be. When there is a great deal of imbalance in one area we may see evidence in our health, in our relationships, and in our personal satisfaction in our lives. Looking carefully at the quadrants we can begin to get a sense of what we can add to or take out of our lives to regain our balance. We also get a sense of what might lead to and/or support one’s choice to drink or do drugs.

Next time I’ll take a deeper look at Quadrant I in relation to substance abuse.