COMPASSION

The major block to compassion is the judgment in our minds. Judgment is the mind's primary tool of separation.
– Diane Berke

Many years ago a dear friend of mine, when he would hear me being critical of myself or others, would say “Dan, more than anything else, we’re all subject to the human frailties.” His response always stopped me in my tracks and helped to put things in perspective. Moving from judgment to compassion I found relief and peace.

Compassion is that which connects us all as human beings. We all have suffering, we all have short comings, and we all experience loss. Knowing this provides us with the opportunity to connect a a heart level with others in our lives rather than judging or being critical of the outward expression of their often less than skillful attempts to be known, seen, or loved.

This is no more true than with our children. Children, especially teens, try on many different personas in an attempt to define who they are and to become independent individuals. Beneath their often unskilled attempts are often frustration, anger, isolation, or fear. Our responses to them are very often also at an unskilled level (both theirs and ours) and can lead to more anger, frustration, and rejection. If however, we respond to the feelings below the persona that they take on, we can connect, be compassionate, and bring us closer together rather than creating distance.

Next time you’re having a difficult time with your son or daughter try two things. First, see if you can imagine the feelings that underly the personas that they are trying on. Second, connect with them with compassion rather than judgment. Let them know that you understand what they’re trying to express even if you do not agree with the manner in which they are doing it.

Families In Crisis: Tips For Dealing With Stress

In the Integral model it is self evident that what affects one family member affects all in some way.  The stress of having a child with behavioral or substance abuse issues can lead to significant stress for the parents as they deal with the uncertainty of what might happen next with their child.  More stress ensues as they try to also care for other children in their family and meet the demands of their jobs, duties and other roles. 

The Integral model provides a systems framework for managing the stress and maintaining as balanced and healthy a lifestyle as possible during these difficult times.  Here are some examples:

•    Quadrant I (Internal) – Be aware of the triggers that set you off and use your emotional intelligence to reduce the impact of situations that impact you.  When panic or fear arise recognize their impact on your body, mind, and heart and use strategies like breathing and reframing to reduce their impact.

•    Quadrant II (Behaviors) – During difficult and stressful times like these it's not unusual for people to let go of behaviors that support their health and resiliency. You need all the resources that you have to meet the challenges you're facing so remember to continue exercising, eating well, and getting as much sleep as possible.  Meditation is also a valuable tool during stressful times.

•    Quadrant III (Support – Interpersonal) - It's not unusual during these times for parents to feel isolated as they are hesitant to share what's going on in their family with others in their communities.  The added stress may also affect relationships with their spouse and with other children in the family.  Reach out for help from extended family members, personal coaches and therapists.  Find regular times to spend with your spouse to stay connected and maintain support between you.  Create regular times for the family to be together and support one another.

•    Quadrant IV (Environment)  - It's easy, when under significant stress, to get lost in work, to spend excessive time at the computer researching the problems we're facing, and to spend more and more time indoors at work and at home.  Make time to get outside and get in touch with nature, perhaps an evening walk with your spouse.  Maintain regular schedules at home that include time with other family members and regular dinner times for the family to be together. 

The more areas and behaviors you employ the better able you'll be to ward off the affects of stress.  The difficult part is making a commitment to doing something about it. Too often when under stress we go into a negative spiral that wears us down even more. So, when stress hits look to the quadrants and take action!

Holding On Versus Letting Go A Painful Treatment Dilemma

Often, when working with families with young people in treatment for alcohol and/or substance abuse, there comes a time when parents must choose a path with the young person that can be a painful one.  A fork in the road appears when the young person has not yet made a full commitment to sobriety and a decision needs to be made about how to respond.  This is particularly difficult when it is time for the young person to come home.

The normal path of separation between parent and young adult comes naturally and slowly, over a period of time, as the young person prepares to either move away from home or go off to college.  There are often struggles and strains connected with this time but usually both parents and their son or daughter get through it with a but a few lumps and bruises and life goes on.  Inherent in this developmental path is the understanding on the part of the parent that, even though they may not see their child as being ready to face "reality", they are nevertheless confident, that with a little help and support, they will make their way.  Also, a connection usually remains in the form of letters, emails, visits on the holidays, and requests for more money etc.

However, there is another path that parents can face when their youngster is not committed either to treatment or, after going through treatment, is not willing to commit to sobriety.  Here, the decision becomes one of whether to continue to remain in relationship with, and provide support for them, or letting go and allowing the young person to face their addiction first hand by having to take responsibility for their choices. This often means having to say, "I'm sorry but you are on your own.  We will not support your addiction.  When you are ready to commit to your sobriety you are welcome home"

Here is a much different letting go than the normal developmental path described above and a much more painful one.  It is here when a parent's imagination may only be able to see the young person as living on the street, getting deeper into drugs, or, worse yet, dying of an overdose.  These are all very real outcomes but not the only ones.  Many times the young person needs to first recognize that they can no longer manipulate their parents into providing support while they do drugs before they are willing to make that commitment.

There are no guarantees here in terms of making the right decision but there is sufficient evidence to suggest that the best decision is to let them go.  The "best" decision however does not stave off the pain that a parent has to feel or the dreams that they may have to say goodbye to: dreams of a happy healthy young person heading off into life. 

This dilemma is often complicated by the fact that it seems counter to their expectations about what the outcome of treatment would be.  The expectation is usually that the young will come out of treatment fixed and drug free.  However, treatment and the stages of recovery do not necessarily flow in a nice linear path.  Many young people come out of treatment having learned a great deal and having grown a lot but may still not be ready to give up substance use.  Success in treatment may not be measured by the end of treatment outcomes but rather by an eventual path impossible to see by the parent. 

When faced with the decision associated with the latter form of letting go, one can only say to a parent, "have faith, rest in the support of those close to you, fall back on your spirituality, know that there is more to come and the possibility remains that you will be able to, at some later time, return to that fork in the road and take the path that you had hoped for. 

Stop, Listen, No, Really Listen

"Most of us tend to suffer from “Agenda anxiety”, the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what we think they might want to say to us."  -- Nido Qubein

I've been thinking about just how difficult real communication can be.  It is difficult under the best of situations and even more so once we've developed expectations or mindsets about how another person will respond.  This often happens when parents and teenagers are trying to reestablish a relationship after going through a difficult or painful period. 

It's so hard to be present and to respond to what is ACTUALLY happening vs. what our history mindset tells us we will hear.  It's hard work but so worth developing the muscle that will allow you to be present and REALLY hear what someone else is saying without being filtered by beliefs and expectations.

Take the time to notice what goes on inside of you when you're communicating with others especially when the relationship has been strained for some reason.  Listen to the tone of your voice, notice tension arising in your body, and notice the tendency to want to promote your agenda vs. hearing what the other has to say. These are all cues that you've disconnected from the conversation.  Breathe, take a break, bring yourself back.  See what there is there to learn.  About you, about them!

Why DO Young People Use Drugs? Digging a Little Deeper!

There are many reasons why young people turn to drugs. This is but one reason but I think an important one.  I am saddened by how in this country education continues to be a place to sort children rather than a place where they come to know who they truly are.  I'm frustrated by how public education tends to focus on sameness and content versus uniqueness and meaning.  I'm disappointed that youngsters in school learn to compete with each other rather than learning to reach out to one another. 

One question I hear over and over again from teenagers is "why won't anyone listen to what I want?"  The sorting machine drives young people down the path to college and professions exposing them to intense competition and very little time to learn or reflect upon what it means to simply be a human being rather than a "success".

Education periodically swings back and forth between a focus on a more humanistic experiential curriculum and a content-based basics approach.  Why there is not room for both I'll never understand.  It's been quite some time since K12 focused on feelings and humaneness and today the focus is more and more on feeding kids facts. 

Those that are best at retaining and regurgitating are successful.  Those who are not fall behind, become disengaged and feel less than. As early as kindergarten kids are sorted into those who can and those who can't.  The kids sense the sorting and drift towards those in their respective groups. Those who can't begin a slow but steady disengagement from school. 

Neither group is well served by this process. Neither has a true sense of whom they are and what it means to belong to their community and to the community of man.  Classrooms are sorting tools rather than places where young people learn how relate with themselves and others and begin to explore their place in the universe. 

How many adults do you know who, after working their behinds off for years, wake up one day only to find that they have lost a part of their lives.  How many begin the desperate search for meaning and true intimacy in their lives?  How many have, during the course of their drive for success,  turned to alcohol and drugs as a replacement for meaning? All too often the alcohol and drugs begin long before the awareness that what they're trying to do is to fill the hole in their hearts that has been dug while their heads were being filled with facts.

Here's to learning who we are and what our unique purpose is for being on this planet.

Out Beyond Right and Wrong: Finding Your Way From Pain Back to Love

Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense.
--Rumi

Every family that has been through difficult or painful situations with their youngsters or anyone that has been through a rough period in a relationship knows how hard it can be to reconnect with the love that was once the core of the relationship.

Pain and hurt develop scars in our spirit or core self. Those scars provide a layer of protection and lead to the building of walls between us to ensure that we don’t feel that pain again. This approach rarely works as each time we are confronted by a comment or behavior that reminds us of the original pain it triggers the great protector, anger. The anger typically leads to more pain as we create new evidence of our need to protect ourselves.

Deep within each of us, and below the hurt and pain that has occurred, is a place that wants to love and be loved. I believe that within each parent and child that has learned to protect themselves in this way, is a core self that desperately wants to reconnect. However, our connection to our pain, anger, and the belief in right vs. wrong makes it very difficult to break down the walls and reach out to embrace one another once again.

It is not easy to move through the pain but it is also not easy to remain in a place of hurt and anger. Compassion and forgiveness are the keys to bringing down the walls. Acknowledging the pain within each of us, and remembering that each of us wants desperately to be loved, is the place from which we can begin to reach out, open up, and let the other in. Here there is no right or wrong only two human beings desperately trying to find their way back to love and acceptance.

The core of these feelings is usually found in our heart center. Acknowledging our heart center and recognizing that one exists in the other, is the first step to tearing down the walls. Meeting one another in that metaphorical field in which we are both a part of something bigger than both of us provides the perspective that holding onto right and wrong is but another symbol of the pain that is calling out for a path back to the love that connected us.

When you're with the person with whom you have experienced pain and hurt, notice the reactions that you feel in response to your communication with them. When you feel anger or pain, focus on your heart center and let that be a trigger for looking for, or acknowledging the same in the other. See if you can put aside the anger that is trying to protect you and replace it with a reaching out and a vulnerability that can connect you.

Topics that Touch Me

Just thinking about the families I work with that are starting to reestablish relationships with their teens after a crisis and wondering what I can write to help them. A few thoughts:

1. An article based on the poem about meeting together "out beyond ideas of right-doing, and wrong-doing" and the wonderful new relationship that awaits them there!

2. How to heal the hurts that get in the way of really letting each other in.

3. What lies beyond treatment that gets kids clean again? Who's waiting inside to be discovered?

Guess that's a start. More later.