Families In Crisis: Tips For Dealing With Stress

In the Integral model it is self evident that what affects one family member affects all in some way.  The stress of having a child with behavioral or substance abuse issues can lead to significant stress for the parents as they deal with the uncertainty of what might happen next with their child.  More stress ensues as they try to also care for other children in their family and meet the demands of their jobs, duties and other roles. 

The Integral model provides a systems framework for managing the stress and maintaining as balanced and healthy a lifestyle as possible during these difficult times.  Here are some examples:

•    Quadrant I (Internal) – Be aware of the triggers that set you off and use your emotional intelligence to reduce the impact of situations that impact you.  When panic or fear arise recognize their impact on your body, mind, and heart and use strategies like breathing and reframing to reduce their impact.

•    Quadrant II (Behaviors) – During difficult and stressful times like these it's not unusual for people to let go of behaviors that support their health and resiliency. You need all the resources that you have to meet the challenges you're facing so remember to continue exercising, eating well, and getting as much sleep as possible.  Meditation is also a valuable tool during stressful times.

•    Quadrant III (Support – Interpersonal) - It's not unusual during these times for parents to feel isolated as they are hesitant to share what's going on in their family with others in their communities.  The added stress may also affect relationships with their spouse and with other children in the family.  Reach out for help from extended family members, personal coaches and therapists.  Find regular times to spend with your spouse to stay connected and maintain support between you.  Create regular times for the family to be together and support one another.

•    Quadrant IV (Environment)  - It's easy, when under significant stress, to get lost in work, to spend excessive time at the computer researching the problems we're facing, and to spend more and more time indoors at work and at home.  Make time to get outside and get in touch with nature, perhaps an evening walk with your spouse.  Maintain regular schedules at home that include time with other family members and regular dinner times for the family to be together. 

The more areas and behaviors you employ the better able you'll be to ward off the affects of stress.  The difficult part is making a commitment to doing something about it. Too often when under stress we go into a negative spiral that wears us down even more. So, when stress hits look to the quadrants and take action!

Holding On Versus Letting Go A Painful Treatment Dilemma

Often, when working with families with young people in treatment for alcohol and/or substance abuse, there comes a time when parents must choose a path with the young person that can be a painful one.  A fork in the road appears when the young person has not yet made a full commitment to sobriety and a decision needs to be made about how to respond.  This is particularly difficult when it is time for the young person to come home.

The normal path of separation between parent and young adult comes naturally and slowly, over a period of time, as the young person prepares to either move away from home or go off to college.  There are often struggles and strains connected with this time but usually both parents and their son or daughter get through it with a but a few lumps and bruises and life goes on.  Inherent in this developmental path is the understanding on the part of the parent that, even though they may not see their child as being ready to face "reality", they are nevertheless confident, that with a little help and support, they will make their way.  Also, a connection usually remains in the form of letters, emails, visits on the holidays, and requests for more money etc.

However, there is another path that parents can face when their youngster is not committed either to treatment or, after going through treatment, is not willing to commit to sobriety.  Here, the decision becomes one of whether to continue to remain in relationship with, and provide support for them, or letting go and allowing the young person to face their addiction first hand by having to take responsibility for their choices. This often means having to say, "I'm sorry but you are on your own.  We will not support your addiction.  When you are ready to commit to your sobriety you are welcome home"

Here is a much different letting go than the normal developmental path described above and a much more painful one.  It is here when a parent's imagination may only be able to see the young person as living on the street, getting deeper into drugs, or, worse yet, dying of an overdose.  These are all very real outcomes but not the only ones.  Many times the young person needs to first recognize that they can no longer manipulate their parents into providing support while they do drugs before they are willing to make that commitment.

There are no guarantees here in terms of making the right decision but there is sufficient evidence to suggest that the best decision is to let them go.  The "best" decision however does not stave off the pain that a parent has to feel or the dreams that they may have to say goodbye to: dreams of a happy healthy young person heading off into life. 

This dilemma is often complicated by the fact that it seems counter to their expectations about what the outcome of treatment would be.  The expectation is usually that the young will come out of treatment fixed and drug free.  However, treatment and the stages of recovery do not necessarily flow in a nice linear path.  Many young people come out of treatment having learned a great deal and having grown a lot but may still not be ready to give up substance use.  Success in treatment may not be measured by the end of treatment outcomes but rather by an eventual path impossible to see by the parent. 

When faced with the decision associated with the latter form of letting go, one can only say to a parent, "have faith, rest in the support of those close to you, fall back on your spirituality, know that there is more to come and the possibility remains that you will be able to, at some later time, return to that fork in the road and take the path that you had hoped for. 

Stop, Listen, No, Really Listen

"Most of us tend to suffer from “Agenda anxiety”, the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what we think they might want to say to us."  -- Nido Qubein

I've been thinking about just how difficult real communication can be.  It is difficult under the best of situations and even more so once we've developed expectations or mindsets about how another person will respond.  This often happens when parents and teenagers are trying to reestablish a relationship after going through a difficult or painful period. 

It's so hard to be present and to respond to what is ACTUALLY happening vs. what our history mindset tells us we will hear.  It's hard work but so worth developing the muscle that will allow you to be present and REALLY hear what someone else is saying without being filtered by beliefs and expectations.

Take the time to notice what goes on inside of you when you're communicating with others especially when the relationship has been strained for some reason.  Listen to the tone of your voice, notice tension arising in your body, and notice the tendency to want to promote your agenda vs. hearing what the other has to say. These are all cues that you've disconnected from the conversation.  Breathe, take a break, bring yourself back.  See what there is there to learn.  About you, about them!

Why DO Young People Use Drugs? Digging a Little Deeper!

There are many reasons why young people turn to drugs. This is but one reason but I think an important one.  I am saddened by how in this country education continues to be a place to sort children rather than a place where they come to know who they truly are.  I'm frustrated by how public education tends to focus on sameness and content versus uniqueness and meaning.  I'm disappointed that youngsters in school learn to compete with each other rather than learning to reach out to one another. 

One question I hear over and over again from teenagers is "why won't anyone listen to what I want?"  The sorting machine drives young people down the path to college and professions exposing them to intense competition and very little time to learn or reflect upon what it means to simply be a human being rather than a "success".

Education periodically swings back and forth between a focus on a more humanistic experiential curriculum and a content-based basics approach.  Why there is not room for both I'll never understand.  It's been quite some time since K12 focused on feelings and humaneness and today the focus is more and more on feeding kids facts. 

Those that are best at retaining and regurgitating are successful.  Those who are not fall behind, become disengaged and feel less than. As early as kindergarten kids are sorted into those who can and those who can't.  The kids sense the sorting and drift towards those in their respective groups. Those who can't begin a slow but steady disengagement from school. 

Neither group is well served by this process. Neither has a true sense of whom they are and what it means to belong to their community and to the community of man.  Classrooms are sorting tools rather than places where young people learn how relate with themselves and others and begin to explore their place in the universe. 

How many adults do you know who, after working their behinds off for years, wake up one day only to find that they have lost a part of their lives.  How many begin the desperate search for meaning and true intimacy in their lives?  How many have, during the course of their drive for success,  turned to alcohol and drugs as a replacement for meaning? All too often the alcohol and drugs begin long before the awareness that what they're trying to do is to fill the hole in their hearts that has been dug while their heads were being filled with facts.

Here's to learning who we are and what our unique purpose is for being on this planet.

Out Beyond Right and Wrong: Finding Your Way From Pain Back to Love

Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense.
--Rumi

Every family that has been through difficult or painful situations with their youngsters or anyone that has been through a rough period in a relationship knows how hard it can be to reconnect with the love that was once the core of the relationship.

Pain and hurt develop scars in our spirit or core self. Those scars provide a layer of protection and lead to the building of walls between us to ensure that we don’t feel that pain again. This approach rarely works as each time we are confronted by a comment or behavior that reminds us of the original pain it triggers the great protector, anger. The anger typically leads to more pain as we create new evidence of our need to protect ourselves.

Deep within each of us, and below the hurt and pain that has occurred, is a place that wants to love and be loved. I believe that within each parent and child that has learned to protect themselves in this way, is a core self that desperately wants to reconnect. However, our connection to our pain, anger, and the belief in right vs. wrong makes it very difficult to break down the walls and reach out to embrace one another once again.

It is not easy to move through the pain but it is also not easy to remain in a place of hurt and anger. Compassion and forgiveness are the keys to bringing down the walls. Acknowledging the pain within each of us, and remembering that each of us wants desperately to be loved, is the place from which we can begin to reach out, open up, and let the other in. Here there is no right or wrong only two human beings desperately trying to find their way back to love and acceptance.

The core of these feelings is usually found in our heart center. Acknowledging our heart center and recognizing that one exists in the other, is the first step to tearing down the walls. Meeting one another in that metaphorical field in which we are both a part of something bigger than both of us provides the perspective that holding onto right and wrong is but another symbol of the pain that is calling out for a path back to the love that connected us.

When you're with the person with whom you have experienced pain and hurt, notice the reactions that you feel in response to your communication with them. When you feel anger or pain, focus on your heart center and let that be a trigger for looking for, or acknowledging the same in the other. See if you can put aside the anger that is trying to protect you and replace it with a reaching out and a vulnerability that can connect you.

Topics that Touch Me

Just thinking about the families I work with that are starting to reestablish relationships with their teens after a crisis and wondering what I can write to help them. A few thoughts:

1. An article based on the poem about meeting together "out beyond ideas of right-doing, and wrong-doing" and the wonderful new relationship that awaits them there!

2. How to heal the hurts that get in the way of really letting each other in.

3. What lies beyond treatment that gets kids clean again? Who's waiting inside to be discovered?

Guess that's a start. More later.

Tips for Communicating More Deeply with your Teen

Typically, talk about improving communication is usually at a superficial level. More important is to focus on communicating with your teens in a way that deepens your understanding of one another and leads to a transformation of your relationships.

Tips for deeper communication:

• Listen beyond the words to understand how they uniquely view the world. Be fiercely curious about who they are. Robert Heinlein coined the term "Grok" in his book "Stranger in a Strange Land" to get at this concept of drinking deeply from the uniqueness that is another human being.

• Make the time. Most conversations in our lives are quick and simply fill in the spaces in our busy days. Create space and time for talking that is free of an agenda. Focus more on who you are as human beings rather than what you did today.

• Show appreciation for their journey and their courage in facing each day anew in spite of all the changes that they are going through in their lives.

• Leave judgments at the door. You may not agree with choices that your teens make but judging their behavior closes the door to deeper understanding and to helping them make different ones next time.

• Remember that you are both learners and will make mistakes. They know that you are not perfect but we often don't acknowledge our challenges as parents trying to do the right thing.

• When you find yourself shutting down step back and seek perspective. How did they make the choices or decisions that they did. Can you understand, given their understanding of the world, what led them there? Can you affirm how and why they made their choices even if your don't agree with them.

• Be patient. Change happens in biological time though often our expectation is that someone will change in remote control time or simply because we point out to them the mistakes that they have made.

• Make an internal commitment to do this work not just to change your teen's behavior but also to change yourself and the quality of your interactions with others. Only through a personal commitment is one able to continue to do the work.

• Practice. Deep communication is difficult. Understanding someone else at a deeper level takes time and commitment. It may feel awkward at first but if you keep trying you'll be surprised at how much you'll learn about them and yourself.


We are all complicated and ever changing creatures trying to make sense of our experience and the world around us. We're all partners in this path through life and taking the time and making the effort to understand one another at a deeper level is worth the effort and pays off in deeper more satisfying relationships.

Step 6 - BE THE CHANGE!

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." -- Mahatma Gandhi 


Well, we've have come a long way on our journey along the 6 Steps to Change. So far we have:

• "Used your Imagination" to create an image of a new and better tomorrow.
• Gotten to "Know Thyself" better by surveying the 4 quadrants of your life and deepening your understanding of how you do yourself in the world.
• "Q'd it Up" to get a better sense of which quadrants you may need to develop new skills in to create more balance in your life.
• "Caught Yourself in the Act" recognizing online the behaviors that trigger you and what old habits arise in those moments.
• Begun to "Change Your Behaviors and Change Your Mind" first by stepping back to see how your habitual patterns have led to specific outcomes and beliefs about your interactions with others and then by seeing how, by trying new behaviors, your can create new outcomes and attitudes.

Now comes the final step to actually embody the change you've created in your life and in relationship to those that are important to you. You're on the road to fulfilling that dream of a happier and healthier family and a new you that is able to begin to enjoy life once again.

This is an exciting step but not an easy one. It'll take using the 4 Foundations of Change that I have talked about before. You'll need to be Committed to the hard work that lay ahead, you will need to have a fierce curiosity that enables you to seek to Understand what happened when there are breakdowns, you'll need to Communicate to others your intentions and your need for support to help see you through the inevitable potholes in the road that you will find along the way, and finally, you'll need Compassion for yourself for the hard work that you are doing and for what it means to be human and fallible.

Real change takes time and it is important to celebrate small successes and to have people around that can cheer you on when you make progress and give you a hug and a pat on the back when things get hard. The important thing to remember is that the Hope that you started this process with, and the new tomorrow that you have created in your imagination, are the sources of energy that will keep you going on your journey.

Remember, new thoughts and behaviors, new attitudes, a more balanced lifestyle, and exciting new outcomes to look forward to. Spend some time as you begin the journey deciding who will be your coaches and supporters. Seek out role models that you can look to as you try on new behaviors. And finally, don't be afraid to ask for help.

To Be, or not to Be.....

My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.

A little change of pace. This quote just jumped out at me. I don't know how many young people I've worked with who have said that they wished that the adults in their lives would let them be who THEY want to be. And, all too often, later in life, how many of us shed all our expectations and beliefs about who we "should" have been only to find who we really are.

Take some time to listen carefully not only to your own heart but also to the unique person that your child is trying to become!

Step 5 - Change Your Behaviors & Change Your Mind!

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." --- Marcel Proust

Now that you've had a chance to "Catch Yourself In the Act" you can begin to take a step back and see that the disconnects between your good intentions and the behavioral results of those intentions don't always match. Being able to do this is a HUGE step for now you are in a position to create a new set of behaviors AND change your thinking, attitudes, and expectations about what typically takes place in different situations and interactions with others. Now that you know that the patterns of behaviors between yourself and your teen or spouse have led to a particular set of perceptions and beliefs about their intentions and that they have developed their own about you, the opportunity arises to create new patterns that lead to new, more satisfying, and hopefully more productive outcomes.

This may take some work. For example understanding Emotional Intelligence and how our emotions can sometimes hijack us and lead to unintended behaviors you can learn to pull the switch on your emotions before the hijacking so that you remain present, clear, and relatively calm during your interactions. Learning and practicing to meditate or use relaxation techniques can help you to see how our thought patterns can create scenarios based on our past learning and experiences that are influencing our behaviors today. Learning to use Non-Violent Communication techniques you can learn how to be less blaming and accusatory and talk more about your feelings and personal needs in a way that doesn't press the other persons buttons. You can practice all you learn with people that don't trigger you as much to get better at your skills. These are just a few examples of how you can learn, practice, and implement new behaviors that lead to different outcomes, attitudes and perceptions.

Coaching is especially helpful here as you need someone to support and encourage you through these changes and someone that can model the skills that you would like to learn. It is hard in the heat of the moment to remember what you have learned and practiced so having someone to brainstorm and problem solve with is important. Learning new behaviors takes practice and like any other skill takes repetition, support, and encouragement.

Remember, it is all how you look at it! Like the story of the blind men who, all standing at different parts of an elephant, try to describe it, and cannot. They can only describe their experience from the part of the elephant that they are touching. Put all the perceptions together and you have an elephant! When we're interacting with others in our lives we only have our perceptions with which to judge what the situations that we find ourselves in really mean. Stepping back, understanding the need for more information, opening ourselves to new images of the other, and trying out new behaviors we can literally change our behaviors and then our minds.

Spend some time today reflecting on your interactions with people close to you. Think about what thoughts or ideas you have about those persons and how they might influence how you interact with them. Imagine how you might, despite your expectations, try on a new behavior and see what happens as a result.

The Six Steps to Change. Step 4: Catch Yourself in the Act.

"The important thing is this: To be able to at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we would become."

- Charles DuBois

We all have an ideal self that we want to, or believe that we are projecting out into the world. We'd love to be seeing as caring, competent, understanding, efficient, and effective…. Each of us has our own list. Many times in our lives we embarrassing come to the realization that we're not all that we'd like to be. More often than not we come to these realizations in our relationships with others whether that be a child, a spouse, or a significant other. For example every parent wants to be the perfect parent. They want the best for their children and want to feel confident as a parent.

Unfortunately, there is no parenting school that everyone is required to attend and our learning as parents comes from our own experiences as children with our own parents who also never had a class. Much gets passed on from generation to generation including our skills at relating with others. As we have talked about previously, the learning we have assimilated is not always the best. Nevertheless, we still want the best; believe that we are doing the best, and are floored when we come to find that what we believe is not what is actually happening. Somehow the outcome we had hoped for has been replaced with a less than desirable one. When we come to these realizations it's often like getting hit over the head with a sledgehammer. Or, it is like the old show "Smile Your On Candid Camera" in which people are put in silly situations, do silly things as a result and then come to realize that the whole world has been watching you make a fool out of yourself. Ouch!

This happens all too often when parents are trying to work with their teenagers about limits, responsibilities, and consequences. Parenting skills are put to the absolute test. You may try to have a conversation about a teen having come home 2 hours late on a school night or you may try to open up a conversation about your fear that your adolescent is experimenting with drugs. But, if your suspicions, fears, anxiety, or frustration leads to threats, or anger, or accusatory tones, it is likely that those conversations will lead to escalation and a complete breakdown in communication. Once again, this happens with the best of intentions and in all likelihood you're not even aware of what you are doing during the conversation. Here is where a purposeful, proactive Catching Yourself in the Act exercise can come in handy.

In this case I might ask you to do daily reflections on your interactions with your teens. I would ask that you notice what you are feeling in your body during those conversations, what you are thinking, and what the results of the interactions are. Then, after a period of time, I would also ask that you notice if there are any patterns in the kind of communications that you are having with your teen. Any new awareness? Once we have a sense of what your pattern looks like, and you have a chance to begin to "Catch Yourself", we can begin to work on what new patterns you would like to see and what behaviors you might need to learn to change that pattern. For example, you might need to learn listening skills or centering skills to help you remain calm during the conversations.

Catching Yourself, is key to being able to begin to make new choices. Once we begin to notice our patterns and the results of our unwanted behavior we can begin to literally change our minds and see situations with new eyes.

Step 3 - Q it Up!

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for." --John Lubbock

It’s typically hard for us to notice our blind spots until we walk into a wall! In using the Quadrants we can begin to take stock of where we spend most of our time and what areas we are strong or weak in. Q-ing it up means taking a look at our roadmap and noticing where we are so that we can begin to plan how we’re going to get where it is we’d like to be.

If we take a look at our inner territory in QI and find that we tend to be hard on ourselves and others we can begin to learn new strategies and practices to help reduce the stress caused by our nagging inner voice and the damage that we do when we turn that inner critic loose on others. We can learn to understand where this little gremlin came from and ways to create a new and different voice that is more supportive and helpful in relationships.

If we’re not taking care of ourselves and constantly under a lot of stress due to our poor lifestyle choices and/or work life and environment, we can begin to create new habits and behaviors that support our wellness and make changes in how we schedule our time so that we’re there and more available at home and in our relationships. This would involve taking a hard look at how we do ourselves in QII (behaviors) and QIV (environment).

Creating balance around the Quadrants leads to a certain synergy in which our blind spots are now open to the world and we’re engaging with others and taking care of ourselves in a way that allows for more flexibility, peace, and openness to being with and understanding others.

For families that have been in crisis for any length of time it’s fairly typical that the parents have given up some of the things that in the past have supported a healthier lifestyle and less stressful home environment. Having a young person on drugs and alcohol and making poor choices increases the stress levels in parents and decreases the likelihood that they will go for that run, go out for a dinner together, attend a yoga class or any of the ways that couples maintain their health and wellness in a way that let’s them meet the demands of a busy family life let alone one with a teenager in crisis.

Each of the Quadrants may be seen as areas for growth with specific kinds of skills that can be worked on and improved. In Quadrant I for example I might learn to be more effective dealing with my feeling by becoming familiar with the Emotional Intelligence literature. To develop more of sense of peace in my life I might take up a meditation practice (Quadrant II). In Quadrant III I can learn to be more effective in my relationships with others by learning to read body language and improving my communication skills using a program like Non Violent Communication. In Quadrant IV I can give myself more time and relaxation by reducing my connection to my Blackberry.

So, Where in the map do you tend to spend time? Do you feel effective in that domain in your life? What would you like to improve?

In Step 4 we’ll begin to learn how to catch ourselves in the act (real time) of being ineffective and see what’s going on that can give us clues as to how to be more effective in the future.

Step 2 to Change - Know Thyself

"Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others."
-- Harriet Goldhor Lerner

It all begins with us. The more we know about ourselves, the better able we are to understand what makes us tick or presses our buttons (to use a couple of clichés) the better able we are to make the choices that can lead to feeling different and to having deeper more satisfying and productive relationships with others.

We all learn to be who we are in life very early. Our behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and responses to the world are shaped by our experiences as infants and, by the time we reach adolescence or adulthood, we’re no longer aware of what shaped us we’re only aware of whether or not our behaviors are leading to achieving our goals or a happy satisfying life.

The way we’ve come to be and the way that we respond to the world results in specific outcomes. In the laboratory of life it’s pretty clear that, even though in our hearts and minds we may want one outcome, that our behavior patterns may be leading to another and until we note the disconnect between the two and begin to systematically change our operating systems nothing will change.

For example, if I grew up in a household in which my every move was criticized and evaluated I might grow up inhabited by an inner voice that plays the part of my parents and continues to judge and evaluate my behavior as an adult. I may also unwittingly allow this grouch of a voice to act out on those closest to me creating tension, anger, and frustration between that person and me. I may be doing my honest best to have a loving caring relationship but my ingrained pattern of judging and criticizing may be having quite another impact on my relationship. There’s a conflict between my desire for love and caring and my tendency to be critical and I may not even be aware that it’s going on inside my own head let alone spilling out into my relationships with others.

The Integral Model provides a map of both our inner and our outer territory and permits us to see the relationship between each of the quadrants. It also provides us with a graphic representation of the interconnectedness between our behaviors, our attitudes, the impact of our relationships, and how the world that we’ve created all coalesce to maintain what we’re getting in the world. If for example the mean gremlin that I got from my family of origin (Quadrant III – My relationships and Culture), has led me to be judgmental about myself and others (Quadrant I - My Interior), and results in me being outwardly critical of even those whom I most love and care about (Quadrant II – My behavior), I may create an environment in which there’s tension and unease and where no one feels safe from my critique’s (Quadrant IV – Environment). Understanding these interrelationships provides me with some choices and options about how to go about changing the flavor of each quadrant in a way that leads to the world I truly want.

The 4 Quadrants are a snapshot of yourself and your world. Get to know that snapshot and, having a picture of how you “do yourself” in the world, begin to create a new one. Learn to make different choices in each of the quads and be the architect of a new life.

Next time we'll look at how to Q it Up! How to use the quads to create that new life.

6 Steps to Change - Use Your Imagination

“Your imagination is life’s preview of coming attractions”
- Einstein

When we’re stuck in the middle of a difficult situation in our lives it’s often difficult to imagine how things will ever change. All we can think of is how the heck did I get here? Well, the first step to change actually begins with using our imagination. What I mean here is that we have to have a picture of how we would like things to be; some kind of meaningful goal for us to shoot for. It might seem at the time as though it’s impossible but nevertheless go ahead, dream on!

Perhaps after years of struggling with a young person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol you’ve lost your hope of ever having a healthy happy child again or a happy loving family. Everything that’s happened has stretched and stressed your family to the point where you’re happy just to get through the day without a major catastrophe let alone hugs and kisses at the end of the day.

Well, there’s hope, and HOPE begins with daring to have a picture in your head, a goal, that you can strive towards. Once you have the goal, once you can imagine a different tomorrow, you can begin to take some steps to reach your goal. It’s no different than any other goal. Set your sights, get to work, and with the help of a coach or a therapist, make a plan.

What got you to this point was a set of beliefs about how the world operates. Those beliefs led to specific behaviors that you hoped would get you the results you wanted. Unfortunately, those results, though consistent with your beliefs, may not have been the ones you intended or would have wished for. I may want to have a wonderful relationship with my son or daughter but believe that in order to have that relationship that they need to think or behave exactly like I think they should. If they do then it would indicate that they’re on the same page and understand what I want from them. If they don’t I may conversely believe that they’re obviously being difficult and trying to push my buttons. In order to get their attention and in order to ensure that they live what I believe to be appropriate productive lives, I may push, punish, and persevere in my attempts to get them to see that my way is the right way. What does that get us? Anger, distance, and probably anything but the behavior I wanted.

So, what is your goal? Use your imagination! How would you like your family to be? What feelings do you want to experience in relationship with members of your family that you're not experiencing now?

Next time we'll begin looking at how to catch ourselves in the act when we're using behaviors that don't get us what we want.

Building Blocks Part II

Understanding comes from communication and transforms us. Listening and truly wanting to know the world from the perspective of another without judgment gives us the opportunity to “see” the world with new eyes; to literally see the world from the eyes of the person that we’re talking to. This is different than making assumptions or inferences of about what we believe someone else’s behavior means when filtered through our own personal biases. We can only know the world from the spot on which we stand and in order to know more about the world we need to be able to see and hear the perspectives of others. Letting go of our assumptions about someone else’s behavior we can broaden our perspective, and come to agreements based on shared interpretations and shared meaning. From here we can have new agreements, and learn to trust. Win-win, and win-lose solutions to problems often arise from finding a way to compromise and live with another person or group rather than creating a new and shared perspective that transforms both parties or groups. In order to be transformed we have to be able to rise above the system we are embedded in. When we are caught up in, or run by, the picture of the world that we’ve come to know, it can be difficult or impossible to see, let alone understand, the perspective of another. In order to truly understand we need to be able rise above and look back at the system we live within to truly see how it drives our behavior and inhibits our ability grow and change.

Commitment – Dealing with someone who is in crisis is a very stressful. Making changes in one life, especially difficult changes, is also hard work. In both instances it takes not only hard work but a commitment to stay the course even when things are at their worse. Without a commitment it’s difficult to carry out the actions day in and day out that will lead to real change. Real change comes from a different outlook, different attitudes, and different behaviors. It’s helpful during the most difficult times to ask which outcome we would like. Do we want our family to remain in crisis and pain or do we want a happier and more loving home. It’s easy to not do the work of change but harder to live with the outcomes that arise from that choice. Nevertheless, and with both the best intentions and the realization of what the outcomes of our choices might be, when faced with difficult struggles day in and day out it’s can be very difficult to hang in there. This is especially true when our commitment is not just to our hard work but also to the financial burden that comes with it and often times the toll that it all takes on other members of the family. Remember though that our commitments lead to actions in the form of new behaviors that can result in new and better outcomes for us and for our families.

Next time we’ll begin to take a look at the 6 steps you can learn to create the kind of change that can help a family regain health.

4 Essential Building Blocks For Change

Now that we’ve gone through the 4 Quadrants, and before I start introducing the 7 steps that I use to help families move from crisis to a healthy happier family and a happy whole child free from the grip of alcohol or drugs, I’d like to take a little time to underscore the importance of 4 building blocks that are the foundation of any self development or self growth work. These are especially true when working with families where each individual member is an integral part of the larger family system and each family members behavior impacts everyone else. The 4 building blocks are Compasssion, Communication, Understanding, and Commitment. We'll start by taking a brief look at the first two.

Change, especially when it means taking a hard look at ourselves, and our behavior, is hard. That’s why these 4 foundational concepts are so important to the overall growth and health of individuals and the family. That’s also why it’s important to have a system that systematically supports each person’s efforts to change their lives.

The first concept is Compassion. Change often requires that we look deeply into ourselves and acknowledge parts that we may not like. However being angry with ourselves often impedes our growth rather than helps it. Acceptance and compassion for ourselves is a much more effective first step towards change. Compassion acknowledges our humanness and allows us to make a decision to try new and different behaviors or attitudes. A good friend of mine use to tell me that more than anything we’re all subject to the human frailties. We all grow up and learn how to be in the world, and for better or worse, what we learn is who we become.

Knowing that, if given the choice, we would all choose loving, caring, and supportive relationships in our lives provides us with the opportunity to choose those outcomes when we face our shortcomings. Pema Chodren talks of our soft spots. This is that place in our hearts where we feel our frailties, our humanness, and our pain. It is from this place that we are able, if we allow ourselves to feel it, to connect with others and to understand their humanness and frailties. Staying in touch with our soft spot we can be open to being compassionate with others in our families when there are problems and when they are behaving in destructive ways. Each person wants the best but may not know how to have it. Knowing that and connecting with them from that place rather than from anger or frustration is the beginning of the path to change.

One of my favorite sayings is that “the problem with Communication is the belief that it actually occurs” What does this mean? Well, you’ve probably noticed that when we have conversations with others it’s not unusual for people to be more concerned with what they’re going to say next than with hearing, much less understanding, what someone else is saying. Communication is often a series of monologues rather than dialogue. Communication is often more about getting ones point across or defending ones position than it is hearing what someone else has to say and coming to understand in a new way who that person is or what their life is like. Learning to listen and understand are skills that can be learned and are essential to change, understanding, and caring. It’s hard, but possible, to learn how to be more present when talking to someone, even about difficult situations, to be present rather than thinking about what has been or worrying about the future.

Next time we'll take a look at Understanding and Commitment.

Our Public Domain - Our worlds from the inside out!

QII puts a very public face, no, public body out into the world. This is our public domain. Whereas QI is our internal life, what others need to ask us about if they want to know, QII represents all of our behaviors, those that everyone can see. It can be as simple as what I eat, how I exercise, how I hold myself, whether I smoke, drink, etc. or, it can be way more complicated.

This is an important piece of territory in that our behaviors can be healthy or not, be destructive or not, affect others, or not, and, changes in our behaviors can have significant impacts on our lives and those around us. Whether we smoke or drink, eat healthy or eat fast food and junk food, get lots of rest or burn the candle at both ends, we will feel the effects of our choices.

This Quad also gives some clue as to what is going on inside of us. Our bodies can give voice to our consciousness. We may walk around with slumped shoulders and tight necks signaling sadness, depression, or, tension within. We may stand up tall, smile, and put our boundless energy to work making changes in the world. However, as much as we would like to think that we can know what is going on in someone else based on their behavior, there is often a disconnect between what people show us and what they actually feel. People will smile while harboring tremendous anger inside or feeling great sadness. Others may appear sad and listless while actually feeling a sense of joy or contentment. Our bodies formed habits when we were young that continue as we move into adulthood. We may change our behaviors or our words and feelings but our bodies may still be telling an old story.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that each of us interprets the world based upon our personal experiences, assumptions, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. What we learned from our families and culture (QIII) and internalized within our belief systems and how we see the world (QI) will impact how we interpret what we see in others behaviors (QII). As an example, if a young person has been in treatment for alcohol and substance abuse and after coming home at times appears sad or depressed, the parent may make an assumption that the youngster is using drugs again or is at risk for using drugs. How a parent approaches the young person can have an impact on the youngsters behavior. If not approached skillfully a parent may give their child the message that they don’t trust them or having repeatedly asked them if they’re ok make them feel upset at all the attention. All too often our interpretation of what we see leads to problems in our interactions with those in our lives.

We make assumptions and take action without checking out whether or not we’re right. How often have you misinterpreted someone’s behavior and, without checking out your assumptions, ended up in an argument. How often do you interpret what someone else’s behavior means only to find that you were wrong. Our inner worlds often misinterpret someone else's outer world and then we respond with behaviors learned from our personal culture and taken as truth only to find that there are other ways of viewing the world that we never thought of.

When you make an assumption about someone’s behavior take the time to check out what inside of you led to your assumption. Having recognized that your perception may indeed by just an assumption, learn to skillfully check out if you’re right or wrong before making judgments or accusations. Communication can be difficult and messy at times but it is the only path to understanding the reality of where our reality ends and that of another begins.

Q-ing up Quadrant III Culture & Communication

Q-ing up this quad we find the world of relationships and culture. We are raised in our own particular culture and begin to take on the customs and beliefs of it, not only as our own, but also as the “right” ones. Being embedded in our little niche in the world we come to believe that we are it and unless we have the opportunity to get some distance from it, some perspective if you will, we will have a hard time seeing that what we believe to be right is simply one way of “seeing” things. This is why it’s so important for us to learn how to gain some distance from our beliefs and be able to work within our system rather than being had by it.

We grow up in our part of the world, in our little community, in our particular family, using the language that defines our niche. The more constricted that language, the more strident it is in regards to how we should be and behave, and the more negative it is in relation to how we each conform to the culture we’re being taught, the harder it is for us to gain the birds eye perspective I mentioned and the more locked into our way of being we are.

In Recovery, and in other parts of our lives, we become defined by this enculturation and internalize beliefs about what the perfect family looks like, the perfect parent, and the perfect spouse. As we try to live up to these images of perfection, the world may be falling apart around us but we continue to try and control things and make them right. Doing so, we develop our own self-image around efficacy and success. Many of these beliefs show up in Q1 in our self-concept. For families to regain some form of hope, or dare to dream of a healthy loving family, it’s essential to be able to unfurl these beliefs and learn new ways of being with one another that are based on the uniqueness of each family member and the collective meaning that each family creates.

Holding onto the same beliefs and behaviors when a young person returns from treatment is a recipe for replicating what led to treatment in the first place. Think about what beliefs your family holds for what is considered right behavior. How do family members communicate with one another? What image of the family must be held at all costs that inhibits the family’s ability to reach out and ask for help before it’s too late? How has your family background, social norms, and status in the community led to, and continue to influence, the challenges you face in your family? Have they led to isolation, shame, and guilt? Or, are you able to reach out for help and support from other family members and/or supports in the community?

Communication is a key component of healing in families beset by problems with young people. Often parents and families need to learn a new language. The new language is one of mutuality, respect and understanding. What expectations are communicated and how? How does your own inner world influence the way that you communicate with one another? Are your words and behavior congruent? How do you deal with conflict? What methods have you learned for dealing with your own emotions that influence how you communicate with those you love? Can you be transparent with one another, showing your own humanness, while communicating your thoughts, feelings and expectations with those loved ones?

These are all questions to be addressed when dealing with addiction and families in the healing process. Quadrant II reflects our lives with others, how we share our interpretations of reality and/or how we can come to better understand one another in a way that leads to acceptance, support, and trust.

Connected

Happy to be able to use my Facebook account to post to my Spiral to Health Blog. This is a test post. Look forward to more.

Quadrant IV - The World We Live In

I had planned on going through the Quadrants in order but yesterday I was impacted by Quadrant IV and thought it a good time to write about it. Quadrant IV is our environment both natural and man made. It is the beauty of nature, the difference between living in a crowded city and a rural community, the comfort and/or beauty of our immediate environment, our use of technology, and the state of our living space. All affect us emotionally, physically, and socially.

So, what happened that led me to write about Q4 out of order? Well, the hard drive crashed on my main computer. I'm writing now with a spare. The immediate impact of losing use of my computer was devastating. I was obsessed with questions like; what was on the hard drive?, what was there that can't be replaced?, how will I write this blog without the notes that I made?, what about all of my contacts?, etc. Computers were supposed to be our saviors and yet for many of us we have instead become their slaves. Computers were supposed to make our lives easier and yet research shows that people are working more than ever. To the degree that we are tethered to dial up or broadband we are addicted to this electronic wizardry that has changed our lives and how we do business in the world.

Many young people are addicted to the internet. They cannot drag themselves away from it and they use it, like drugs, to distract them from their pain and their lives. Some are addicted to porn or online games. Others drawn to the social networking world that has changed how we communicate with one another. I was scared of what the impact of Sony Walkmen was going to be when they first came out. All I could think of was that people were walking around in a self contained mode reducing the amount of time that they made contact with others. Ipods, PDA's, cell phones, and high speed internet has exponentially increased the degree with which we are able to communicate and stay connected to our work or vices throughout the day. It's not that these conveniences have not had a positive impact on our lives but rather the fact that they may at the same time be impacting our lives in ways that are not healthy.

Young people are growing up with this technology almost implanted in their neural pathways. They text one another, surf the internet, and communicate instantly around the world. It's important that we consider what balance looks like. How do we find a way to use these conveniences wisely while maintaining a balanced connection with other parts of our lives and with other human beings.

Quadrant IV is also the natural environment. Depending on where we live we have more access to the natural beauty of our world and the universe. Most of us are aware of how much more peaceful we feel when we take the time to walk on the shore or in the woods. This is diametrically opposed to when we are in our offices (if yours is like mine) and are faced with the piles of work to be done, things to be filed, bills to be paid. The impact on my nervous system is palpable. The cumulative impact can lead to stress and addiction. In a world where young people have DVD's for baby sitters and rarel have a sit down dinner with the family it's important for us to stop and reflect on how balanced this part of our lives are.

Take a look at your own Q4. How balances is yours? What adjustments could you make. Reflect on the impact your environment is having on your life and relationships. How has your life been shaped by the your relationship with your Q4?

What Goes on Inside

Quadrant I reflects our inner world that which others cannot see. In order to find out about what’s going on here we need to ask someone. It includes the world of feelings, thoughts, attitudes, world-view, thinking, concerns, and beliefs. A lot of territory is covered here much of which includes what James Flaherty calls our structure of interpretation or SOI. Our SOI represents our basic sense of or beliefs about the world. Is the world safe, can I trust other people, am I worthy of love and support etc. So in essence it’s about our personal self-awareness, self-management, and vision for our future.

To the degree that we are self aware and skillful in these areas we will also feel competent in the world, confident in our abilities, able to recognize and manage our emotions, will feel comfortable in our own skin, and have a vision for our future that we are confident that we can reach.

Those who are not skillful in Quadrant I may not be in touch with their feelings nor have the skills to manage them in such a way that they can achieve their goals and have satisfying and supportive relationships. Not having the skill to deal with uncomfortable feelings such as anger and sadness those with addiction problems may turn to substances to numb themselves and gain some control over their feelings.

Many have an inner critic that will not allow them a moments peace and berating and second-guessing their every action and decision. This constant negative chatter can lead to depression, a lack of efficacy, and a sense of hopelessness in the world about one’s ability to be a productive and happy part of society. Again, seeking relief from this unrelenting negative voice people may turn to alcohol or substances for relief.

I’ve worked with a number of families in which the parents are struggling in Quadrant I leading to relationship issues with their spouse and/or issues with their adolescent children. Many of these young people have little self esteem, may be doing poorly in school, have no clear vision for, or are conflicted about, their futures, are struggling in their communication with their parents and have little inner support or skills to deal with the difficult feelings that they are experiencing. This leads many to choose substances for relief and a sub-culture in which they feel confident, understood, and supported.

For coaches, inquiry into Quadrant I includes questions about what individuals are experiencing, their patterns of feelings and thoughts, what they want in the world and do they think I can get it, and how they deal with difficult feelings and circumstances that arise in their lives. In integral work a coach might develop self-observations and practices that help the individual become more aware of and competent in these areas and may draw from models such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Emotional Intelligence, or mindfulness practice to support skill development and confidence in dealing with their inner world.

Recovery by Numbers

So, young people do drugs for a number of reasons. Some are related to their own inner challenges, some are related to the messages they get from the culture we live in, others are related to the messages that they get from significant others in their lives, and last but not least, the environment that they live in can be a contributing factor. It can often be complicated unraveling the interaction of influences that send a young person down the path of abusing substances but the four quadrant model used in integral coaching models can help provide both understanding and directions for supporting the youngster’s path to sobriety. This is particularly helpful for parents and coaches.

The four quadrants provide lenses through which we can understand these influences. Each quadrant represents a different aspect of an individuals life and when looked at in total provides a holographic picture of that persons life. The model I’m using here is borrowed from James Flaherty’s work.

Quadrant I represents our inner life. That is what cannot be seen when looking at someone. This includes our beliefs, dreams, visions, feelings, attitudes and beliefs. These are all things that we can infer from behavior but can only be known by asking the individual. Some of us are tortured by a severe inner critic while others view the world as a bountiful place that brings peace and joy.

Quadrant II reflects our public life as observed through our behavior. Do we exercise? What is our diet like? Do we drink too much coffee, smoke cigarettes, sleep enough? Do we understand wellness. Are drugs a part of how we deal with with inner life?

Quadrant III looks at our social life and our culture. Who do we interact with? Where do we get support? What relationships are good or bad for us? This is our life with others and within the culture in which we live. Flaherty describes this as the world of shared interpretation within communities or relationships. Here we come to develop a view of the role of the addict and addiction in our society.

Quadrant IV takes a look at the environment in which we live. Do we have a comfortable peaceful home? Do we spend hours upon hours on the internet? Does our schedule provide for down time and time to enjoy the beauty and peace that nature provides? Do I have to travel a lot? Is their a balance between external tasks and demands and nurturing?

The more balanced we are across all of the quadrants the healthier we can be. When there is a great deal of imbalance in one area we may see evidence in our health, in our relationships, and in our personal satisfaction in our lives. Looking carefully at the quadrants we can begin to get a sense of what we can add to or take out of our lives to regain our balance. We also get a sense of what might lead to and/or support one’s choice to drink or do drugs.

Next time I’ll take a deeper look at Quadrant I in relation to substance abuse.