Tips for Communicating More Deeply with your Teen

Typically, talk about improving communication is usually at a superficial level. More important is to focus on communicating with your teens in a way that deepens your understanding of one another and leads to a transformation of your relationships.

Tips for deeper communication:

• Listen beyond the words to understand how they uniquely view the world. Be fiercely curious about who they are. Robert Heinlein coined the term "Grok" in his book "Stranger in a Strange Land" to get at this concept of drinking deeply from the uniqueness that is another human being.

• Make the time. Most conversations in our lives are quick and simply fill in the spaces in our busy days. Create space and time for talking that is free of an agenda. Focus more on who you are as human beings rather than what you did today.

• Show appreciation for their journey and their courage in facing each day anew in spite of all the changes that they are going through in their lives.

• Leave judgments at the door. You may not agree with choices that your teens make but judging their behavior closes the door to deeper understanding and to helping them make different ones next time.

• Remember that you are both learners and will make mistakes. They know that you are not perfect but we often don't acknowledge our challenges as parents trying to do the right thing.

• When you find yourself shutting down step back and seek perspective. How did they make the choices or decisions that they did. Can you understand, given their understanding of the world, what led them there? Can you affirm how and why they made their choices even if your don't agree with them.

• Be patient. Change happens in biological time though often our expectation is that someone will change in remote control time or simply because we point out to them the mistakes that they have made.

• Make an internal commitment to do this work not just to change your teen's behavior but also to change yourself and the quality of your interactions with others. Only through a personal commitment is one able to continue to do the work.

• Practice. Deep communication is difficult. Understanding someone else at a deeper level takes time and commitment. It may feel awkward at first but if you keep trying you'll be surprised at how much you'll learn about them and yourself.


We are all complicated and ever changing creatures trying to make sense of our experience and the world around us. We're all partners in this path through life and taking the time and making the effort to understand one another at a deeper level is worth the effort and pays off in deeper more satisfying relationships.