Step 2 to Change - Know Thyself

"Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others."
-- Harriet Goldhor Lerner

It all begins with us. The more we know about ourselves, the better able we are to understand what makes us tick or presses our buttons (to use a couple of clichés) the better able we are to make the choices that can lead to feeling different and to having deeper more satisfying and productive relationships with others.

We all learn to be who we are in life very early. Our behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and responses to the world are shaped by our experiences as infants and, by the time we reach adolescence or adulthood, we’re no longer aware of what shaped us we’re only aware of whether or not our behaviors are leading to achieving our goals or a happy satisfying life.

The way we’ve come to be and the way that we respond to the world results in specific outcomes. In the laboratory of life it’s pretty clear that, even though in our hearts and minds we may want one outcome, that our behavior patterns may be leading to another and until we note the disconnect between the two and begin to systematically change our operating systems nothing will change.

For example, if I grew up in a household in which my every move was criticized and evaluated I might grow up inhabited by an inner voice that plays the part of my parents and continues to judge and evaluate my behavior as an adult. I may also unwittingly allow this grouch of a voice to act out on those closest to me creating tension, anger, and frustration between that person and me. I may be doing my honest best to have a loving caring relationship but my ingrained pattern of judging and criticizing may be having quite another impact on my relationship. There’s a conflict between my desire for love and caring and my tendency to be critical and I may not even be aware that it’s going on inside my own head let alone spilling out into my relationships with others.

The Integral Model provides a map of both our inner and our outer territory and permits us to see the relationship between each of the quadrants. It also provides us with a graphic representation of the interconnectedness between our behaviors, our attitudes, the impact of our relationships, and how the world that we’ve created all coalesce to maintain what we’re getting in the world. If for example the mean gremlin that I got from my family of origin (Quadrant III – My relationships and Culture), has led me to be judgmental about myself and others (Quadrant I - My Interior), and results in me being outwardly critical of even those whom I most love and care about (Quadrant II – My behavior), I may create an environment in which there’s tension and unease and where no one feels safe from my critique’s (Quadrant IV – Environment). Understanding these interrelationships provides me with some choices and options about how to go about changing the flavor of each quadrant in a way that leads to the world I truly want.

The 4 Quadrants are a snapshot of yourself and your world. Get to know that snapshot and, having a picture of how you “do yourself” in the world, begin to create a new one. Learn to make different choices in each of the quads and be the architect of a new life.

Next time we'll look at how to Q it Up! How to use the quads to create that new life.