4 Essential Building Blocks For Change

Now that we’ve gone through the 4 Quadrants, and before I start introducing the 7 steps that I use to help families move from crisis to a healthy happier family and a happy whole child free from the grip of alcohol or drugs, I’d like to take a little time to underscore the importance of 4 building blocks that are the foundation of any self development or self growth work. These are especially true when working with families where each individual member is an integral part of the larger family system and each family members behavior impacts everyone else. The 4 building blocks are Compasssion, Communication, Understanding, and Commitment. We'll start by taking a brief look at the first two.

Change, especially when it means taking a hard look at ourselves, and our behavior, is hard. That’s why these 4 foundational concepts are so important to the overall growth and health of individuals and the family. That’s also why it’s important to have a system that systematically supports each person’s efforts to change their lives.

The first concept is Compassion. Change often requires that we look deeply into ourselves and acknowledge parts that we may not like. However being angry with ourselves often impedes our growth rather than helps it. Acceptance and compassion for ourselves is a much more effective first step towards change. Compassion acknowledges our humanness and allows us to make a decision to try new and different behaviors or attitudes. A good friend of mine use to tell me that more than anything we’re all subject to the human frailties. We all grow up and learn how to be in the world, and for better or worse, what we learn is who we become.

Knowing that, if given the choice, we would all choose loving, caring, and supportive relationships in our lives provides us with the opportunity to choose those outcomes when we face our shortcomings. Pema Chodren talks of our soft spots. This is that place in our hearts where we feel our frailties, our humanness, and our pain. It is from this place that we are able, if we allow ourselves to feel it, to connect with others and to understand their humanness and frailties. Staying in touch with our soft spot we can be open to being compassionate with others in our families when there are problems and when they are behaving in destructive ways. Each person wants the best but may not know how to have it. Knowing that and connecting with them from that place rather than from anger or frustration is the beginning of the path to change.

One of my favorite sayings is that “the problem with Communication is the belief that it actually occurs” What does this mean? Well, you’ve probably noticed that when we have conversations with others it’s not unusual for people to be more concerned with what they’re going to say next than with hearing, much less understanding, what someone else is saying. Communication is often a series of monologues rather than dialogue. Communication is often more about getting ones point across or defending ones position than it is hearing what someone else has to say and coming to understand in a new way who that person is or what their life is like. Learning to listen and understand are skills that can be learned and are essential to change, understanding, and caring. It’s hard, but possible, to learn how to be more present when talking to someone, even about difficult situations, to be present rather than thinking about what has been or worrying about the future.

Next time we'll take a look at Understanding and Commitment.