The Six Steps to Change. Step 4: Catch Yourself in the Act.

"The important thing is this: To be able to at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we would become."

- Charles DuBois

We all have an ideal self that we want to, or believe that we are projecting out into the world. We'd love to be seeing as caring, competent, understanding, efficient, and effective…. Each of us has our own list. Many times in our lives we embarrassing come to the realization that we're not all that we'd like to be. More often than not we come to these realizations in our relationships with others whether that be a child, a spouse, or a significant other. For example every parent wants to be the perfect parent. They want the best for their children and want to feel confident as a parent.

Unfortunately, there is no parenting school that everyone is required to attend and our learning as parents comes from our own experiences as children with our own parents who also never had a class. Much gets passed on from generation to generation including our skills at relating with others. As we have talked about previously, the learning we have assimilated is not always the best. Nevertheless, we still want the best; believe that we are doing the best, and are floored when we come to find that what we believe is not what is actually happening. Somehow the outcome we had hoped for has been replaced with a less than desirable one. When we come to these realizations it's often like getting hit over the head with a sledgehammer. Or, it is like the old show "Smile Your On Candid Camera" in which people are put in silly situations, do silly things as a result and then come to realize that the whole world has been watching you make a fool out of yourself. Ouch!

This happens all too often when parents are trying to work with their teenagers about limits, responsibilities, and consequences. Parenting skills are put to the absolute test. You may try to have a conversation about a teen having come home 2 hours late on a school night or you may try to open up a conversation about your fear that your adolescent is experimenting with drugs. But, if your suspicions, fears, anxiety, or frustration leads to threats, or anger, or accusatory tones, it is likely that those conversations will lead to escalation and a complete breakdown in communication. Once again, this happens with the best of intentions and in all likelihood you're not even aware of what you are doing during the conversation. Here is where a purposeful, proactive Catching Yourself in the Act exercise can come in handy.

In this case I might ask you to do daily reflections on your interactions with your teens. I would ask that you notice what you are feeling in your body during those conversations, what you are thinking, and what the results of the interactions are. Then, after a period of time, I would also ask that you notice if there are any patterns in the kind of communications that you are having with your teen. Any new awareness? Once we have a sense of what your pattern looks like, and you have a chance to begin to "Catch Yourself", we can begin to work on what new patterns you would like to see and what behaviors you might need to learn to change that pattern. For example, you might need to learn listening skills or centering skills to help you remain calm during the conversations.

Catching Yourself, is key to being able to begin to make new choices. Once we begin to notice our patterns and the results of our unwanted behavior we can begin to literally change our minds and see situations with new eyes.